No stitches, just platelets and will power
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
