Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
