The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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