My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
