I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
