I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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