Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
