You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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