i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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