you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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