I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
