I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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