Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
