I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
