got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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