Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
