You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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