Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
