I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
