I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
