Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize