She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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