remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
