Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize