you win again, gameday.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
