Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
