it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
