You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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