I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
