I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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