well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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