So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize