if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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