i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
