Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
