Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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