In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
