I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
