omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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