I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
