I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
