I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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