That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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