based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
