your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
