So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
