Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
