i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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