When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
