remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
