pedialite and red bull = repair kit
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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