i was rollin on her like bob the builder
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
