also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize