I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
