i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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