I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
