theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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