You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
