i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
