im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
