I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
