woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
