don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i think my cat just said my name.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
