It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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