Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
