Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
