i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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