just tell him i said nine months
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
