Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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