So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
