can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
